I’m a recovering introverted people pleaser.
My natural instinct is to be polite to everyone because the last thing I want to do is cause problems!
I’m pretty bad at straightforward action or taking charge…and when I find myself in those situations, I’m exhausted afterwards!
But I pride myself in my emotional intelligence!
I believe in the idea of genuine community and soft communication skills.
Can you relate?
There’s a problem with being too polite though.
In our heads, we often interchange politeness with niceness.
And yes, they do relate to one another but they aren’t exactly the same thing either.
The thing is, being polite is all about good manners and finding ways not offend to the other person.
Ideally we want the other party to feel at ease when connecting with us.
Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this (I can’t imagine you’d want to intentionally offend someone!)
But in doing so, being too polite also means we’re possibly willing to hide ourselves, our intentions, our honesty so that the other party feels at ease.
We want to get the gig.
We want them to recommend our work.
We want to be liked.
In all of these situations, we can find ourselves being overly polite.
Here’s the thing, you can still be nice while also being honest!
I recently saw this video from the Futur where Chris Do breaks down the difference between politeness and honesty.
Honesty vs. Politeness
Politeness is usually associated with being nice and respectful.
BUT sometimes it can lead to being fake!
When we put politeness ahead of our honesty, we might avoid difficult conversations, sugarcoat the truth, or agree to things we just can’t deliver.
Again, this really reminds me of some of the projects I’ve said yes to in the past.
I wanted to show that I knew what I was doing, that I can meet whatever came my way.
I became a Yes Man- anything to make the client happy!
This attitude can create a temporary sense of comfort, but it also leads to:
Misunderstandings
Unmet expectations
Damaged trust in the long run
Honesty, more often than not, creates trust and transparency.
Being straightforward with clients about their needs, the scope of work, pricing, and any potential issues can prevent those misunderstandings and build a solid foundation for a genuine relationship.
Sometimes, being honest can make people feel uncomfortable- “What if we’re too direct? Too honest?”
I get the concern! But it really does lead to better outcomes for both parties because we’re outlining expectations on both end!
If you’re anything like me and your natural instinct is to appease (at the cost of what you really want from the relationship) then how do you start being more honest?
What can you do to still be seen as a great collaborator without coming across as too direct?
Chris says that changing our internal dialogue from "I have to" to "I get to" can really impact our approach to communication.
This shift makes tasks feel less like burdens and more like opportunities!
For example:
❌ Instead of thinking: "I HAVE to negotiate the payment for this project.”
✅ Reframe it as "I GET to work with my collaborator to find a price that meets both of our needs!”
This can make the task feel more meaningful and less tedious.
Remember honesty is all about building trust and clarity.
Try implementing some of these techniques into your own collaborative projects.
You might be surprised how much more of a positive and productive experience it can be!